I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
