i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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