I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
