I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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