I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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