There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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