sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
