There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
