My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
