Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
