Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
