This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it penis luge time yet?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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