what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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