the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
