Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
