I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Let's get the cat blown out
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize