Whod you bang
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
