You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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