Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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