Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
