At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
