talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
