The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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