the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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