Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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