My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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