I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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