i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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