Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
