just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
