his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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