I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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