i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
