just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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