Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
