I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Pants are for mortals
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
