Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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