i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
