Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This toilet bowl is my home.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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