I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The best revenge is premature balding
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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