My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
