i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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