I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
