I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize