i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
should my penis look like a turkey
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
