I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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