Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
