Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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