that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
