Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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