I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have tasted many bathrooms
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
