The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
