yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
