the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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