Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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