Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
