Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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