these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
